Sense Project

PFLAG Canada is an organization that “supports, educates and provides resources to anyone with questions or concerns. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.” And, they definitely provide lots of awesome material designed with everyone in mind. There’s stuff for youth, seniors, parents, family members, employers, co-workers, educators, clergy, healthcare providers and so forth. Basically, whether your sexual orientation and/or gender identity or someone else’s has got you confused, angry, fearful, proud or ashamed, PFLAG has got you covered.

For a very ultra mini taste of what PFLAG has to offer, here are some general tips for coming out that I pulled from their “So what is it like to be gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and/or questioning” sections:

General Tips for Coming-out

You may be very nervous about telling family members that you are gay, but here are a few strategies that can help you decide what to say and when to say it:

1) Don’t be rushed, timing is important. Try to pick a quiet time of the day that will allow everyone who is involved to focus on the discussion and any questions that follow.

2) Tell them there is something you feel they ought to know. This says that you are making a deliberate effort to share important news.

3) Keep your opening statements brief. If you want to start with, “For a long time, I have felt…” or any other lead-in, keep it to two sentences - or less! The anticipation may be worse than actually hearing the news.

4) Be clear and direct. Say the words, “Mom and Dad, I am gay.” If you are telling young children, read the section on “Coming-out to your Dependant Children”.

5) If they react poorly tell them you understand that this information is difficult to hear.

6) Explain that it has taken you a lot of time to understand it yourself, so you realize that it will take them some time too.

7) Try to answer their questions, but tell them you may not have all the answers. If the exchange goes poorly, don’t fret. It doesn’t mean they will never accept you. They may just need time to absorb the news and think about what it means to your relationship.

© 2005 PFLAG Canada Inc. www.pflagcanada.ca

Sexual orientation: Some people say “sexuality” when they mean “sexual orientation,” as in, “What’s your sexuality?” What they may mean is “Who are you attracted to?” and that can be a very complicated question. Generally, the person asking the question expects one of four answers: that you’re straight, gay, lesbian or bisexual. But there are lots of answers, and while some are a little less common, none are wrong.

Straight or Heterosexual: These mean the same thing - a sexual and romantic attraction to people of the “opposite” or different gender from yourself (example: a woman attracted to men). Hetero- is a prefix meaning “other,” “different.” Straight is slang for heterosexual. But gender is much more complex than just “man” vs. “woman.” 

Homosexual or Queer*: Homo- is a prefix meaning “same,” and so homosexual means a sexual and romantic attraction to people of the same gender as yourself (example: a boy who likes boys). The word queer was originally used to insult homosexual people, but now many people call themselves queer as a way of reclaiming the word from its negative meaning. It’s a symbol of pride or power instead of shame. Queer is also used to describe folks who are attracted to a wide variety of people, and not necessarily based on gender. Some people are more comfortable using the word queer (instead of lesbian, for example) because it doesn’t restrict gender.

Lesbian or Dyke*: Historically, “lesbian” meant a woman who is attracted to/has relationships with other women. The word dyke, like queer, used to be an insult but is now used in a positive way, mostly by younger homosexual women. Boudicca (pronounced boo-dyke-ah) was a Celtic queen who organized a revolt against the Roman Empire in 67 A.D. Since Boudicca was a powerful woman, many lesbians feel empowered by the label dyke.

Gay or Fag*: The word gay is sometimes used as a label for all homosexual people, but more specifically it means a man who is attracted to/has relationships with other men. Like queer and dyke, fag was originally an insult but has recently been reclaimed. These days, many younger gay men call themselves fags in a completely positive way.

Bisexual: Being bisexual is a sexual orientation all on its own. It means a sexual and romantic attraction to people of both genders. Sometimes bisexuals use the word queer to describe themselves. Heterosexual and homosexual people often harass bisexual people because they don’t fit into one box or the other. Some people are uncomfortable with the idea that there are other options besides being born straight or gay.

Some myths about bisexuals: 1) They just can’t make up their minds! 2) They’re obsessed with sex and want to have sex with everyone all the time! Neither is true. It’s possible to be attracted to both women and men, maybe at different times in one’s lifetime, or maybe all the time. And it certainly isn’t wrong!

Pansexual: This word means something very similar to bisexual, but without dividing people into two sexes or genders. The prefix bi- means two, but the prefix pan- means all - pansexuals are attracted to/seek out relationships with folks of all genders.

PSST… An important note about saying “queer”, “dyke” or “fag”: these labels are still offensive and hurtful to many people, so it’s REALLY important not to use them unless you’re CERTAIN that the person you’re referring to is okay with you using the label in that particular situation. Many people aren’t cool with these labels at all and others are only comfortable with them in certain situations. It’s simple respect to avoid unwanted or offensive labels.

All this information and more can be found in our awesome Peer Education Manual.

Lots of things! Yes, there are loads of ways that you can make a difference. And, while this list is not exhaustive, it’s a good start…

1. Don’t use slurs. Don’t use “queer” or “gay” to mean stupid, lame, etc… And, when other people use slurs, you can call them on it using a variety of comebacks.

For example, here’s a few things you could say if you heard something like “Mac computers are so gay”:

-You know, saying that is insulting to gay people.

-Right, because Mac computers are all attracted to other Mac computers.

-How would you feel if I used a characteristic of yours, like your race, gender or religion as an insult?

-I know a lot of people say that, but I find it offensive. Can you make an effort not to use that phrase?

2. Don’t gossip. Rumours about who’s dating who and who’s sleeping with who can make people feel even more self-conscious about their dating choices (or their decision not to date).

3. Watch your language. If you’re with a group of people, don’t assume everyone is straight. Using “partner” instead of girlfriend or boyfriend is a good way to be more inclusive. For example, “everyone’s invited to bring their partner to this party.” If someone asks what partner means, just explain. It’s a good way of introducing the topic of sexual diversity into the conversation.

4. Speak up! This can mean a lot of things, from myth-busting to starting discussions on homophobia and sexual diversity in or out of class and/or workplace (e.g., create a “Coming Out” bulletin board featuring LGBTTI heroes and role models) to actually challenging someone directly. You’ll have to decide what your level of comfort is, but it can help to think of every homophobic comment as an opportunity to get people thinking and talking.

Hi folks! Hope that the holiday season treated you to some mighty delicious food and fun times. For the next few weeks, the Sense Project’s “e-division” will be tackling the topic of homophobia.

As stated in our lovely Peer Education Manual (which can be downloaded from www.senseproject.org), the literal definition of homophobia is the fear or dislike of people who form the LGBTTI (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transsexual, transgender and intersex) communities. But, like all things “Sense-y”, the literal definition is just too simplistic as it doesn’t take into consideration the many complicated and complex ways homophobic behaviours are experienced and/or dished-out. This is why it’s so important to talk about homophobia so as to debunk the many myths surrounding homosexuality and ultimately, raise awareness about this very important issue.

So, please share your stories, your links, your images and any other artifacts pertaining to the topic of homophobia. We’ll be posting a variety of myth-busting questions and polls to keep you busy in the meantime.

Cheers!

DeAnne Smith writes about the launch of I Like It Like That: True Stories of Gay Male Desire, a new anthology edited by Richard Labonté and Lawrence Schimel. Here’s a glimpse of the article featured on xtra.ca:

“Skip the cookie-cutter, generic porn imagery. When I Like It Like That: True Stories of Gay Male Desire launches in Montreal on Mon, Sep 28, listeners will get an earful of compelling, intimate details not often found in mainstream erotica. Hot but smart, passionate yet reflective, the collection, published this fall by Arsenal Pulp Press, presents work by both new and seasoned writers, delving deep into their erotic memories to tell true stories of sex and desire. The launch features readings and an artist’s talk by local contributors Daniel Allen Cox, Christopher DiRaddo and Mark Ambrose Harris, as well as Ottawa’s Nathan Burgoine”.

Want to check it out? Here are the details:

When: Monday, September 28^th @ 7pm

Where: Casa Del Popolo, 4873 St Laurent